No Feeding the Animals - or the Homeless.

After failing to outlaw panhandling, lawmakers in Orlando, FL have finally agreed on a way to control the epidemic. The city now plans to crack down on churches and activists who feed large groups of homeless in city parks.

"I was having to pick up human waste from my yard and shoo people out from sleeping in my bushes," says Robert Harding, a local attorney whose office is around the corner from Lake Eola Park where the "feedings" occur.

Just like squirells in someone's backyard, if you stop feeding the homeless, they'll go away (or die after having their only source of nourishment removed.)No U.S. city, especially not one as nice as Orlando, should have to suffer the burden of hungry hordes of homeless roaming the sidewalks and ruthlessly annoying the passers-by.

These so-called "Human Rights Activists" will finally be held accountable for their actions. Actions that have continually been drawing expotential amounts of homeless persons into the city to eat what is most likely going to be their only meal that day.

Up-coming presidential candidates slogan opportunity: Make it illegal to feed illegals and they'll go away.

The legal woes for 'Girls Gone Wild' founder, Joe Francis are far from over. Akron, Ohio police have arrested Edmond Jaber, owner of Mango's Night Club in connection with a GGW event on September 13. Jaber has been charged with felony child endangering, furnishing alcohol to a minor, and unlawful use of a minor in a nudity-oriented show. The charges stem from an acusation of a 17-year-old girl that she was served alcohol all evening at Mango's and was later raped that night by a GGW cameraman in the group's tour bus parked outside the club.

Francis once said to a girl being filmed who stated she was a virgin that she "wont be after my cameraman gets done with you." According to the girl's account Francis later had the cameran leave the room and forced himself on her. The GGW industry is a group of guys under the guise of a company that travel the country in search of underage girls to intoxicate, video tape for their own sexual pleasure, and possibly even assult sexually. Francis uses his "fame" to manipulate and coerce these girls into "going along" with his intentions. All this for final product to be sold world-wide.

GGW is a franchise built on pure and devious criminal intention. Give alcohol to minors, have girls illegally enter into contracts to video tape them, and then rape them. Francis is soon going to be spending a great deal of time behind bars.

Life must be nice for Madonna. The multi-platinum record selling artist can travel to a third world country and pick out kids like puppies sleeping in feces covered cages. Meanwhile, couples hoping to adopt children internationally have to sit on their asses and wait for paper work to be processed.

Yohane Banda, the father of the little boy Madonna recently adopted, is upset over the recent transaction and has garnished a lot of media attention. Banda, who certainly does not understand adoption law, wants to give his son a chance at life but does not want to give away his son.

"Nobody told me by 'adoption' it means he will no longer be my son but hers," said Banda to People magazine.

Madonna, who recently taped an interview with Oprah, claims that when she first looked into the boy's eyes, they had an immediate connection. Madonna could be this boy's chance of not dying from AIDS and the boy could be the aging artist's new Malawian pet. According to an audience member at the taping, Madonna said that she just really wanted to help this little boy who had no chance at surviving.

Obviously, Madonna is adopting this boy for purely selfish reasons. Her actions indicate that she wants to adopt this child in order to boost her worldly image and gain more affirmation that she is a good person. If Madonna was truly concerned for the entire well being of this child, she would see the bigger picture. She would realize that the relationship this boy could have with his father is paramount. Madonna can easily afford to sweep this boy, his father, and whoever else he lives with back home and set them all up with a new good life. But instead, she chose to only take the child. To take him home, clean him off, love on him, and show him off like her new little puppy.

Micheal J Fox appeard in a campaign ad for several representatives running for Congress showing his support of stem cell research. During his spot for Claire McCaskil in Missouri, Fox reminded the state's voters that "what you do in Missouri matters to millions of Americans. Americans like me." In other words, "If you dont vote to elect McCaskil, I'm not getting my stem cells, and will die." Crap! Not everyone may agree with all kinds of stem cell research, but nobody wants to be responsible for killing Marty Mcfly.

To counter the devastating blow to his campaign, representative "The Conservative Guy" released an ad featuring the combined presence of Passion of the Christ's Jim Caviezel and Albertson's commercials' Patricia Heaton along with several athletes. . .baseball. . .one of them is a pitcher. . .they aren't really important. The ad begins with Caviezel speaking Aramaic, the language used in The Passion. Without sub-titles, it is difficult to know what Caviezel's opening line was but it is most likely something from the Beatitudes.

Principal Gaylene Heppe, of Willett Elementary School in Attleboro, Massachusettes, has canceled Tag indefinately. The decision came during the start of her second year when Heppe joined a growing movement around the country banning traditional playground games that have been deemed exclusionary or dangerous. Games such as touch football and dodgeball that pose the risk of injury as well as liability to the school have also been ended.

"It's a time when accidents can happen," said World's Worst Principal, Gaylene Heppe.

School administrators have become concerned with free-for-all activites at recess giving rise to parent complaints and lawsuits due to children getting too rough and running into eachother. They are also concerned that in games such as tag, some children would become unsuspecting, and unwilling participants in the game. All too often on the playground, kids minding their own business will find themselves victims of being randomly tagged and declared, "it." These children then suffer severe mental distress while desparately pursuing another student to unload their "it-ness" onto. It's this exact kind of problem that Heppe seeks stop.

While there are no conclusive studies to indicate why there has been an increase in extreme violence in U.S. schools, strong evidence should exist that shows tha taking away tag, touch football, and other fun at recess activities lays the foundation for breeding little gun wielding school terrorists.

It was a Friday night and my best friend and I were strolling into a local "hole-in-the-wall" bar (called, Swanees) in Pioneer Square (I‘m guessing named for the pioneers who discovered it). In just a few minutes a small inconspicuous door would open to the patrons of this bar and lead us down a narrow staircase to The Seattle Comedy Underground . The walls were plastered with the faces of comedians of past who have gone on to either fame or absolute obscurity. “So you actually know the headliner from school?” asked one stranger behind me to another. The headliner tonight is somewhat of a local comedic hero.

We were seated at the very front left corner of the stage (front right to the performers). The stage itself was a carpeted 10 foot wide square and the backdrop (of course) a brick wall with a Seattle scenery painted on. The tables were too small, the seating was crowded, and the food (bar food) was over priced. But none of that mattered because we were soon going to be laughing - and hard.

The opening comics warmed us up very well but not enough that I could remember all their names a day later (sorry guys). Finally, it was time. "You won't believe the list I have on this guy. . . 10 Things I Hate About You. . . Slow Clapper. . . top selling comedy album in the nation. . .Kyle Cease!" Kyle took the stage and the crown took to clapping and hollering. "Yeah! More than that shit bitches. You're very excited to see me, I'm in movies. Two of them!" While we were already clapping pretty loudly (not just my friend and I, but the audience in general) it got louder. We agreed - he was funnier that (and our previous clapping was kind of shitty.

Kyle immediately demonstrated his hilarious and chameleon-like ability to impersonate anything. Right at the start he impersonated a guy who just had a waitress hand him a burger he ordered, the hamburger itself, the plate that the hamburger was on, a couple napkins, and a soda. We ate it all up (the funny impersonations not the burger(except the guy the who ordered the burger, he ate up the jokes and the burger.))

Experiencing Kyle Cease live took me back to junior high days (weekends and most of summer) spent sitting on my best friend's couch while we watched t.v. and talked about how ridiculous shows, commercials, and movies can be. Eventually, those conversations would turn into a sort "inside joke" or language between just the two of us. Until now. I found that we were sitting amongst a crowd of strangers all laughing at the same type of nonsense, as if Kyle had somehow been in on those bizarre dialouges and observations years ago. We were all laughing at the same "inside jokes."

Kyle gives his shows such an intimate/personal feeling that when the hour or so is up (can't keep track of time when tears of laughter are streaming down your face) it feels as though you had just spent the evening hanging out with buddies. Kyle's unique style of comedy stems from his honesty, that he's true his own character, and genuinely likes his fans. You owe it to yourself (if you haven't already) to catch this man perform live.

Kyle's new cd/dvd, One Dimple, (recorded live at the Seattle Comedy Underground) is available in stores and on line now for a ridiculously fair price. If you would like more information on how where Kyle Cease is performing and what he's up to, you can visit www.KyleCease.com.



Be Kyle's Friend!

Cindy Sheehan held a book signing on Wednesday, Oct. 11 to promote her book, "Peace Mom." Sheehan stated that she really hopes to inspire people to do what they can to make the world a better place and to let them know that one person can really make a difference.

Basic math teaches us that while it is possible to get a difference from one thing (1-0.5=0.5), it would meerely be a fraction of the difference you would get from two things (2-1=1). Now take into consideration that there have been an estimated 601,027 deaths in Iraq caused either directly or indirectly by the 150,000 U.S. troops stationed there. That's a positive difference of 451,027 (601,027 - 150,000 = 451,027 (showing my work)). That's making the world a better place right there.

Sheehan was also quick to publicy mention that she is a Nobel Peace Prize Finalist. According to the Nobel Foundation, Sheehan should not be aware of any such nomination, final or otherwise. This is taken directly off the Nobel Foundation Website:

"Are the nominations made public?

The statutes of the Nobel Foundation restricts disclosure of information about the nominations, whether publicly or privately, until fifty years have elapsed. The restriction concerns the nominees and nominators as well as investigations and opinions in the awarding of a prize."

During skit on stage involving an interview with a fake President Bush, Barbra Streisand yelled the F word. Streisand's expletive came after a heckler refused to let up on voicing his dislike for the sketch.

"Shut the (expletive) up!" yelled Steisand at which point the crowd errupted in applause.

Ironically, the above comment is what most hetrosexual men think to themselves when Streisand sings.

Science is at it again. Teams in London Edinburgh and Newcastle (places in Europe) are seeking a liscence from the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority this month to to create embryos that will be 99.9 per cent human and 0.1 per cent rabbit. It is hoped that this "Frankenbunny" research will one day lead to cures for Alzheimer's or spinal cord injuries.

"If we learn how to do this with animal eggs, we should be able to have more success with human eggs, and I'd much rather know that if we were going to ask women to donate eggs that we were very likely to get stem cells as a result," said Chris Shaw, at the Institute of Psychiatry.

Another possible outcome - fast multiplying zombie bunnies with an incredulous thirst for brains. As a back up, the liscence request also covers 0.1 per cent cow.

Iranian Supreme Leader Sayyid Ali Khameini, has once and for all cleared the air regarding a Ramadan question that has long gone unanswered to the nation of Islam. "If somebody masturbates during the
month of Ramadan but without any discharge, is his fasting invalidated?

"If he do not intend masturbation and discharging semen and nothing is discharged, his fasting is correct even though he has done a forbidden act. But, if he intends masturbation or he knows that he usually discharges semen by this process and semen really comes out, it is a forbidden intentional breaking fasting," the most powerful religious and political man in all of Iran said on his website.

The declaration has led Iranian president, Amednejad, to realize that he has never succesfuly completed the fast of Ramadan.

A woman from Loganville, GA has too much time on her hand.

Laura Mallory, mother of four, met with a Georgia Board of Education officer regarding her concerns that the Harry Potter series seek to indoctrinate children in to the Wiccan (or witchcraft) cults. Mallory also claimed that the Potter books promote evil and aid to develope the right kind of environment for school shootings.

Children who are unable to tell the difference between reality and fantasy will be harmed the most according to Mallory. These children will imitate the main characters of the story and try to cast spells on their fellow classmates.

Other people who cannot tell the difference between reality and fantasy and who should also not read Harry Potter books are:

Sen. Mark Foley
Tom Cruise
Katie Holmes
Al Gore
Bill O'Reiley
and my mom.

Mel Gibson is at large; hide the Jews.

Gibson, who over the summer publicly sought treatment for alcoholism, was seen recently at Stubs B-B-Q in Texas drinking a beer.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes. Mel Gibson was swigging a Bud with two adoring young women hanging on his every word,” says musician, Steve Smith in an upcoming issue of National Enquirer.

Other unknown sources back up the claim.

Gibson was arrested in July on a drunk driving charge and while in custody made several disparriaging remarks towards the children of Israel. Gibson has also recently asserted that the U.S. is on a swift decline and ready to fall like the Mayan civilization, and that his own father is not a holocasut denier but meerely a disputor of the actual number of people killed during the war.

Up-coming episodes of the FX network's, "Nip/Tuck," will be featuring the cult of Scientology. Two characters tryign to deal with stress and emotional conflict in their lives will visit an auditing center. The network and show creators are cautious about dealing with the controversial group,

"I think I would have serious questions about whether we want to essentially go to battle against any religion. I don't think that's where any business ought to be," [FX president and general manager John ] Landgraf said. "The flip side of that is that if Ryan's writing something that's creatively valid and it's creatively balanced, I don't think it serves the interests of the religion to somehow personally attack Ryan, or me, or one of the actors. That doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I guess time will tell."

While U.S. continues to tolerate Scientology and ignore its obsession with profit and exploiting its members for the cult's own benefit, Germany has resolved to take a more proactive approach.

German Police and intelligent agencies have been issuing warnings to schools and parents regarding inconspicuous tutoring programs that are actually cult fronts used to recruit children and their families.

"We know that Scientology is trying to approach students to gain followers," said Bavarian Interior Minister Gunther Beckstein. "Scientology is not a religion. It is a business and its aim is to gain power over individuals and try to brainwash them,' Beckstein added. "We see it as the duty of the state to inform students and parents about the danger of these schools."