My oldest son needs to be taught about the Birds and the Bees. I think the first thing I'm going to do is ask him if he remembers how our cat had that huge litter of kittens and passed away. Then I'll tell him that if he ever sees a girl with her pants off, she will become pregnant with 12 babies and die too.

What I need is a good ice breaker so that I can lead into the conversation naturally. Maybe while he's watching Transformers I could say, "Hey, you know what's neat about how the way Autobots are created by Primus? Its so close to real life except that instead of the AllSpark generating life into the robot, a man ejaculates sperm into a womans vaginal canal which fertilizes her egg and creates an embryo."

I think this is going to go over very well.

Suggested Reading: Mommy, Daddy, Where Do Babies Come From? Gift Set

I saw that commercial last night where Burger King tells customers that they no longer serve the Whopper and the customers suffer anxiety attacks and don't know what to do with their lives if they can't get that burger. Its a funny idea I guess but not really realistic. Here's how it would go down, if I were the customer.

"Can I take your order?"

"Yeah, I'll get a Whopper with bacon and cheese and a chocolate shake."

"We don't serve the Whopper anymore."

"I'll get a Chicken Sandwich with bacon and cheese and a chocolate shake."

Suggested Reading: Fast Food Nation

Enjoy this post? You may also like to read:

• My encounter with an obnoxious fat man
• Thai tea at lunch
• Finally, donuts, bagels with caffeine

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I watched this game show the other night where a guy who is a personal trainer got busted lying. When he was asked if he had touched a female client more times than what was required for his job, he said no – but he was wrong. He tried to argue that there is no way to know how many times you will be "required" to touch a female client when you're working as a trainer. I think it would be kind of obvious though.

"Ok, for this exercise I'm going to need to firmly hold your inner thighs for support."

"But I'm just jumping rope."

"Well also don't forget to exhale."

Another good clue would be. . .

"On the next set, we're going to be focusing on your hamstrings, so I'm going to be cupping your breasts in my hands like this."

"Um. . . I'm in my car driving home."

"Ma'am, I'm a professional. So please, just let me do my job. I don't want you to pull something."

Or more like he does!

(Zing!)

Suggested Reading: How to Lie With Statistics

Have you seen that commercial for the psychic text messaging? You text your question to a special psychic hot line and then wait to receive the psychic text message back and solve your problem. What a great idea. Whoever started this has got to be making a killing because you know there isn't even a real psychic sending back text messages. It's probably just some sort of automated response. Man I wish I would have thought of that. Think of how much money I would save on paying dues to the psychic's union.

Remember the Magic 8 ball? That thing could really help you realize true human potential (as long you were only faced with obstacles that you could summarize and re-phrase into yes or no questions.) For a while, I used to consult that thing before doing anything. Which is why to this day, I still blame that thing for letting my rabbit die. Your sources say "no?" Why didn't you just allow me to feed it that week!?

Damn you, Magic 8 Ball!! (fourth exclamation mark!)

And remember when that however-many-sided-thing inside would land right on the edge? Then you would try to shake it until that happened just so you could show your friends and look completely mortified and go, "Oh no! It didn't even give me an answer!" It was like turning up the death card in a Tarot card reading.

Suggested Reading: Inside the Magic 8 Ball: The Complete User's Guide

You may also enjoy:

• A night at the Comedy Underground with Kyle Cease
• Larry not really a cable guy or really called Larry
• A nod to another blog: Dead-Frog.com

Don't you hate how some coffee shops name their coffee drinks? I wanted to order a mocha mint coffee last weekend at this cafe in the U District (that's in Seattle (near the University (of WA))) and it was listed on their menu as The Grasshopper. My friend immediately called out how "gay" it was to order the Grasshopper drink. I tried to refute him but the barrista guy agreed. Plus, when they finished my drink, they yelled out, "12oz Grasshopper!" Then I had to pick it up in the face of public scrutiny.

But then a different time I was ordering a White Chocolate Raspberry mocha from the stand near my house and when the girl handed it to me she said, "Here's your Ruby Slipper."

. . .what?!

Apparently, that was her name for that drink. Damn. That was my favorite drink too. So what if the drink has a bright red color to (pink if you add foam)? Why can't they call it Goat's Blood or Darfur Massacre or something? That's going to be my new mission. To rename all of the "gay sounding" coffee names into something cooler. "No coffee drink left behind," that will be my motto. Unless some of the drinks aren't saved before the rapture. Then I guess some of the coffee drinks will be left behind.

Suggested Reading: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Starting and Running a Coffee Bar (The Complete Idiot's Guide)

We have been looking at houses to buy for the first time in our lives and I have a question for some of you more experienced house buyers. What freakin idiot came up with the idea for the Mother-in-Law house? If you haven't heard of one of these, its a house next to your house for your mother-in-law to live in. To live next to you.

I would have loved to be in that first pitch with the developer.

"So I have this idea to build an extra house in the back yard for someone to live in."

"Like a guest house?"

"Yeah, but we'll call it a Mother-in-Law house. You know, for either of the mother-in-laws to live in."

"Will this house secretly also be a gas chamber?"

"Uh, no. It will just be for the mother-in-law to live in the back of the house."

"You're a freakin idiot."

". . .I know."

Then he'd be fired. Or punched in the face.

Suggested Reading: THE MOTHER-IN-LAW DAUGHTER-IN-LAW CONFLICT: The Exploration and Improvement of the Mother-In-Law --- Daughter-In-Law Relationship

There is a house around the block that is always leaving trashy junk out in front of their house with a sign that says, "Free," on it. Last month it was a "vintage" washer and dryer set. The dryer was missing a door and both of them completely rusted. A few days ago I saw a car with only one wheel, no windshield, and a completely smashed back end up on blocks in the front of the house with the same sign. Do they not realize that the "free" sign is not the suburban equivalent to camouflage? They stick that sign on there but we can still see it. The idea behind getting rid of something with this method, greatly depends on the item up for grabs. It has to be something that someone would see and say "Man, I can't believe that cd tower is free."

Like yesterday, my next door neighbor who is moving, put a bbq grill out by their driveway with a cardboard sign that said, "Free." So of course, I jumped on that opportunity. I took that bbq and slid over to the front my driveway with a sign that said "$20."


Suggested Reading: How to Repair Your Car (Motorbooks Workshop)

When my wife was pregnant, she called and said she'd been having contractions and her doctor wanted her to head to the hospital to be monitored.

You have to register down at triage before heading up to labor and delivery and the lady behind the counter handed us this brochure with soapy hands on the front. She asked us to participate in their hand washing program by asking the nurses and doctors if they have washed their hands before treating us. What!? Can't I just ask them once if they will always wash them, or are they supposed to trick me up sometimes? And is this like Denny's pie program where if they don't offer me pie I get some for free?

"Hey, medical professional who went to school forever and is far more educated than I am, did you wash your hands?"

". . .no."

"Ha!"

". . . Here's a free heart."

I like how at my hospitals, the doctors are apparently carrying around hearts in their pockets.

Sometimes people will ask, "If you could have any super power, what would you pick?" You usually hear people who want x-ray vision, or super-strength, or the ability to fly, but that's not what I would pick. I'm a dad and because I'm a dad, I would love to have Cold Breath. Not Ice breath or Freezing breath, just Cold Breath. Like 32 Degrees Breath. That way, when I heat up food in the microwave, it won't take very long to cool it down when I blow on it.

Of course, 32 Degrees Breath wouldn't be very usefull for crimefighting. I would burst into a bank during a robbery and yell, "Freeze!" Then I would blow on the masked gunman who would then yell back some sort of meniacal witty remark like, "Ha! Freeze? More like, SHIVER!" Then I would just shrug my shoulders and go, ". . .yeah." and then I'd go back to making oatmeal in the microwave at home where at least my boys appreciate my super power.


Suggested Reading: Theory and Application of Modern Strength and Power Methods: Modern methods of attaining super-strength

I gained some weight some during my wife's last pregnancy. Only like 4 or 5 pounds.

Or 20.

People who have noticed since the baby has been born (over 5 months ago) will sometimes ask me when my baby is due. So I got to thinking, When is my baby due?

All this talk about the baby and nobody is even paying attention that I'm going through a lot of the same things. So where's my baby shower?

I had no idea when I would be due (because I don't have periods) so I went to my doctor and asked him and he said I would never be having a baby.

"Oh yeah? Well how do explain this big stomach? How is this supposed to go just away?"

"I don't know, don't eat donuts?"

"What kind of doctor are you that you don't even know how to suggest a healthier lifestyle?"

"Probably the made up blog kind."

Suggested Reading - You: On A Diet: The Owner's Manual for Waist Management

Have you ever been driving and see a car a short distance ahead of you and you realize that it's the same exact make and model car that you're driving? I'm not sure why but I noticed today on my way to work that I'm overly interested by this phenomenal coincidence. First, I spot the car and think, "Hey! That's my car up there!" Then as I pass it, I keep glancing over (I guess to be sure that everything about that car matches mine, I don't know). But the craziest part is that when I finally get to glance over quickly and see who is driving the clone of my car, I get this weird feeling of disappointment because the driver didn't look anything like me.

Why would the driver look like me? And why would I expect it to? One day, a car just like mine is going to approach me on the freeway and when I glance over to see the driver as they pass by, I'm going to see me just pointing at me with a smile and waving. Then there will be something about a space time continuum and the universe coming to a screeching stop at the speed of light. Maybe something to do with string theories, I haven't really thought it through that far yet.

If you ever talk on one of those blue tooth ear pieces while you're standing in a grocery store aisle and looking directly at someone else in the aisle so that that person thinks that you're talking to him even though you're actually talking on that damn blue tooth, and that other person in the aisle is me, I will punch you in the face. Unless I had my own. Then I would just call your blue tooth with my blue tooth to letyou know that we are both assholes for talking on them in public. Then I would punch myself in the face and buy some B&J ice cream. Because 2/$6 is good deal on ice cream.

My son's dog broke out of the yard yesterday and I found him in another neighbor's yard around the corner. This neighbor's yard is out of my homeowners association's jurisdiction and as such the yard looks similar to a miniature golf course (but where all the putting greens have been replaced with patches of missing grass and the obstacles replaced with rusty lawn furniture, a toilet and a seat from a car).

Various family members came outside to start yelling at my dog to get out of their yard and the dad starting accusing it of killing one of their pet rabbits. My dog by the way is a 1 year old Yorkshire and not that much bigger than a rabbit himself AND this house isn't fenced so it's possible that the rabbits (who aren't caged and are spotted throughout the block) could have wandered off or been eaten by some other larger animal or even a member of this family. I don't want to say that they're fat or obese or obviously addicted to various foods containing trans-fatty acids, but what I will say, is that when I saw them all exit the house, I thought I had stumbled onto the set of The Biggest Loser. They're all disgustingly huge and could've eaten the rabbit or sat on it and not realized it I guess is the point I'm trying to make. There was a lot of yelling, blaming, swearing and smoking in between sentences and all I wanted was to go in his backyard and get my damn dog.

When the fat slob finally allowed me to enter his property, he followed me around carefully as I tried to get my dog to come to me, as if I was about to steal any of this guy's broken dirty old crap out his yard. I've always wanted a rusted three-wheeled push lawn mower with no handle. Anyways, I got my dog to run back home and I left. If you ask me, this family needs to spend less money on rabbits, birds and food, and more money on shirts that cover their entire stomaches.


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Just about every day that I come back to my desk from lunch, my computer screen is off. I sit down, reach over and press the power button on the hard drive. Just moments after, I realize that my computer was actually in Stand-By not Off.

I press the space bar and the screen comes up just in time for me to see a barrage of End Task Now windows all closing programs at the same time. Things are closing, backgrounds are disappearing almost as if everything is racing to be the first thing to close. I am then forced to sit and wait 5 minutes for the shut dowN to finish, and another 5 minutes before everything is powered back up and running.

You'd think that a window for people like me would pop up first that says, "Hey, do you really want to shut down? Or you just an idiot?" and then I could press the button that says "I am a complete idiot" and everything would be ok.

But no.

I push the power button and my computer skips right to saying, "Fuck this shit! We're closing this shit down!" Then it's just, "crash!" (that's the closing down sound.)

I guess what I'm saying is, Windows Vista better have a fix for this.

(it doesn't.)

When my wife was pregnant with our daughter, I had to go return a pair pants at (for legal reasons I'll just say it's a store with big red bullseye on it. . .it's Target) They weren't just any normal pair of pants though. These were maternity jeans. A pair that my wife had intended returning about 29 before that. When I got to the counter, I was greeted by the typical goofy haired, casual (almost pajamas) dressed customer service lady. I handed the pants to her (unfolded) and gave her the receipt.

"Anything wrong with them?" she asked.

Is it just me or don't you think if something was wrong with a pair pants wouldn't it be visibly noticeable? Like a missing a leg? Or a big gaping hole somewhere other than the waist or the part where your feet come out?

I just said, "No. They're fine. It just turns out that I'm not pregnant after all. In fact, I can't get pregnant at all in the first place. So I guess I shouldn't have jumped the gun when I bought these. These just looked so comfortable."